I figure it is time for all of you to know more about me. In the beginning the only thing I knew about BDSM was sado-masochism, Marquis de Sade, whips, chains, handcuffs, leather, etc. What I did not know was that a D/s relationship is much more than sex, much more than the kink, much more than a collar. It is the deepest, most meaningful, most enduring relationship two people can have with one another. I knew what I wanted, however I didn't know it had a name, or what part I would play in it.
I knew I was not cut out to be "in charge" in a relationship, but neither was I cut out to be a door mat either. I knew from the time I was very young that I was a "pleaser"; someone who wanted to please everyone around them. As I grew up I knew that when put in the hot seat I would do the "right thing" however it never seemed to be with the right man. I met my first D/M when I was in college, he was the one who knew right off what I was when I didn't know what I was. He taught me how my body worked to give me pleasure and him pleasure. Needless to say in the 80's when everyone was sleeping around, I wasn't. I had enough self respect not to just go home with anyone, and there were many guys who asked, my answer was always the same, "no".
My second D/M was my ex-husband who was abusive to the max, and I became a shell of the woman I once was. He had made me doubt everything I did, said, worked for and loved. He made me doubt my self worth, my self esteem plummeted and I became an "abused woman" in every way a woman can be abused. I saved myself by walking out, getting divorced, and moving on.
By the time I met my third D/M, who knew me when I was in college as "take charge, take no prisoners, take no bull shit" type woman, was very surprised to find a meek, emotionally scarred woman. He took apart every wall I put up, He showed me I was someone, I was worthy of love, respect, and a relationship. When He and I parted ways in 2007, it was hard on me, and I truly did not know if I wanted another collar at all, so I took time off from the lifestyle. While I had a profile at www.collarme.com, and a few of the chat sites, I truly wasn't sure I wanted another man's collar to grace my neck.
At collarme, I heard from a number of men, some I met for coffee, others for supper, others just became chat buddies of sorts. They are on my yahell chat list we talk, but they were not what I was seeking. If you cannot talk out of the bedroom about everything, inside the bedroom just will not work. Sure, sex is sex, however D/s is 1000 times more than one sex act, it is the melding of two into one.
So why did I tell you my story, so you understood that I too have been hurt in the name of "BDSM", but I still come back to it because it is what I am most comfortable with when I look in the mirror every morning. What do I see? I see me, a strong, capable, woman who knows how to handle herself in the business world, but once home, sheds her alter ego to become His slave that gives her all to please Him however she can.
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