Fifty Shades.....

Before I begin this, let me make one thing very clear:

ANGER HAS NO PLACE IN BDSM. 
ANY PERSON THAT USES BDSM AS A COVER 
TO HIT A WOMAN/MAN IN ANGER 
IS AN 
"ABUSER" 
PLAIN AND SIMPLE. 

So the "Fifty Shades of Grey" opened this past weekend. I wonder how many women & men have been to the emergency room since this film opened. My guess would be many. To those whom assume that "Fifty Shades of Grey" is about "abuse" you are wrong in your thinking. 

Any person whom enters into a relationship such as Ana & Christian's, is done with the knowledge. True, Ana did not know much about it until she "Googled" it. She also spoke with Christian at length about limits, both soft and hard, and a "safe word". Although she was afraid, she took a step many women are afraid of, allowing another "total control" of them, body, heart, & soul. Christian also follows the tenets of Safe, Sane, & Consensual (or SSC as it is known by those whom live the lifestyle).  

BDSM is not something you play at. Those of us whom live the lifestyle do so because living "vanilla" is not something we are comfortable with. The wielding of any implement (crop, flogger, hair brush, hand or whip) comes with great care and practice. The experienced D/M will not to break the skin, leave bruises, or marks so deep they last more than 24 hours. The experienced D/M will NEVER session/play when He/She is angry. Anger NEVER enters into the dungeon ever! Before you ask, yes I have carried marks (bruises/hand prints) for a few days (2-3) on my backside, when I would see them after my shower, I thought back to how I received them, and the rush of endorphins that it gave to me. 

I wish more people would do research, ask questions, or better yet think before they speak on something they know nothing of. Remember, there is no such thing as a "stupid/dumb" question. 

To Play or Not to Play

"...to be or not to be, that is the question..." are famous words written by William Shakespear over 400 hundred years ago. Today it has become one of the most famous lines in American cinema in the movies "Hamlet" from which it came, and "To Be or Not to Be" the Mel Brooks film.

However, I digress. Forgive me please.

Not every M/s or D/s couple plays every night of the week. Some set out one night a week, a month, or even every couple months to play. Some submissives are taken aback by this, especially novices. Many go into this type relationship with the thought that it will be "play" every day (or night) whichever fits into the schedule.

Some M/s and D/s couples find that playing a board game, or even doing simple things like making supper, working in a garden, or simply taking a walk is "play time" for it gives both the D/M and s/s time to "gather the facts" so to speak about one another. I know that while my Master and I do not play on a regular basis anymore due to the fact that he is a full time college student & part time employee. So we make the best use of our time by just being with one another.

NEVER make the mistake of thinking "something" is wrong, when all it could be is something very simple as having something on His/Her mind that is weighing heavy. If something is wrong they will let you know.

Us

“Us”

We met,

We talked,

We walked,

We kissed,

The earth fell out from under me,

When I regained my bearings,

I took a step back to find you,

Loving me with your eyes,

If kissing you is like this,

The loving must be earth shattering,

I accept your love,

Your gentleness,

Your kisses,

Your hugs,

Most of all…

I accept you with all that I am.

--Anonymous*

* Printed with permission from author

A Collar -or- A Ring???

What do I mean by this?

For the D/s couples I know and respect a collar is the outward sign of their commitment to one another. For the vanilla couples, it is the ring you wear to symbolize your love for one another. For a D/s couple that "collar" might be made of leather, chain mail, stainless steel, or just a chain with a heart on it inscribed with His/Her initial on the front, slave or submissive on the back. Whichever collar is chosen it is worn daily as a symbol of the pact/agreement/contract between the Master/Dominant and submissive/slave. For the vanilla couple that ring is made of gold, platinum, silver, tungsten, or white gold, and it symbolizes the commitment made to one another. 

Mainstream society at the moment is being tantalized by the "Fifty Shades" series by E. L. James, or the "Crossfire" series of novels by Sylvia Day. Both novels deal with BDSM, both are sexually explicit  however the "Crossfire" series of novels are psychologically intense, more intense for me at least than the "Fifty Shades of Gray". Both trilogies delve into something "we" as people prefer to keep hidden behind closed doors, "Our Sexuality". I am not talking about being straight  bi, or gay, I am talking about the dark deep hidden secrets you keep to yourself, because you feel if someone knows, they may judge you. If you cannot be honest with who peers backs at you in the mirror every morning, then it is time you do some soul searching. 

Divorce is at an all time high in this country, maybe it is because it is too easy to obtain. Granted I would NEVER tell a woman to stay in an abusive marriage, EVER!!!! However, it seems that most couples getting married today do not see the long term picture. My grandparents were married for 16 years when my grandmother died in 1937, my grandfather never dated or remarried, when he passed in 1970 he met the love of his life once again in heaven. My parents were married for 42 years when my father passed away, they fought, they loved, they ignored the temptation of divorce because they loved one another; when my mother died, I realized that the day we laid my father to rest something died inside of her, the part of her heart that belonged to my dad.

You see D/s and vanilla couples are not that far apart on the spectrum of things. Both couples want the same things they just go about it in a different way. A D/M gives his s/s a collar as an outward sign of his love and devotion  a vanilla man gives his wife a wedding ring as a sign. A collar, a ring, both are SYMBOLS of the commitment each makes to one another. Both couples like dinners out, movies, dancing, a ball game or two or ten, vacations, etc, however the place that changes everything is at the bedroom/dungeon door. Only the two involved in the relationship can decide what is "right or correct" for them. So for the vanilla woman or man who reads this whom decide to take a walk on the wild side, try it, you never know you may like it.  

There is Nothing Checked Off....

I belong to a BDSM website. While I have been a member there for a while now, the profile currently there is my second one since the first was eaten by the world wide cobweb never to be seen again. I have no D/s things in my "checklist". Why??? I am way more than a checklist, and if a D/M chooses to use that to gain whether I am the "right one" for him or not then I am definitely NOT the one for him.

This is part of an email I received from one of the D/M's who wrote to me: 

"....You certainly seem to know what you want in the Dom area but how do you expect a Dom to know what you might be interested in concerning the BDSM lifestyle with none listed? I think that an idea of that might let a person know how compatible they might be. Care to list some of your interests, likes or limits?..."

This is how I responded to this email, which he deleted without reading:

"I refuse to be judged by the items I check off on a list. It is not who I am as a woman. The parts of me that should interest you more are my eyes, the way they look up at you when I am kneeling at your feet, my heart which bursts with joy when you praise me, and hurts when i have done something to displease you, and my soul which i allow you to protect while wearing your collar. The checklists mean nothing if there is nothing else behind it."

D/s is about two people who make up the checklist as they go along, sure there are the basic things on it for both of them, but the rest of it is their own to create, edit at will, and keep evolving as the relationship changes. No one but the two involved in it can change it, no two lists are alike unless they have run it through a copier at the local Kinko's.

Like I have stated before in this blog, it begins with a word, then a sentence, then a paragraph, then a chapter, then a novel, and at the end of life a tome. Always take quality over quantity, never sell yourself short. And ALWAYS be true to yourself.

Food for Thought...

• To the many D/M's out there who think that the M/s or D/s lifestyle is all about them, it is not. 
•  
• Both type relationships are the deepest, most meaningful relationship that two can have; however on day one it begins as a friendship something more vanilla than kinky. 
•  
• It begins with open communication that means You both have to leave no stone unturned with one another. Do NOT expect Your prospective s/s to lay her life out there for You to pick on like a vulture, while You remain silent. Remember You too have a past, he/she has a right to open the door to Your past as You have asked him/her to do. 
•  
• Expect politeness, protocol is for when two have decided upon a collar, whatever size, shape, color it may be.
•  
• If You expect You prospective s/s to send You emails, pictures thoughts, please expect to do the very same for Your prospective s/s. It is only fair. 
•  
• Do NOT expect Your s/s to wear their heart on their sleeve if You keep finding fault with what he/she says or feels. Repeated tearing & shredding of body parts causes scar tissue which is hard & ugly. 
•  
• If You DO NOT understand what Your s/s has told You, be man or woman enough to ask them to explain. As one of Your many teachers/professors have stated before, "There is no such thing as a dumb question".
•  
• Lastly, treat Your prospective s/s like You want to be treated, with respect.

Words....Said, Written, Otherwise....

If you have not heard it said before, the BRAIN is the largest sex organ in the body. If you feed it, the pleasure is more intense than the best orgasm you have ever had in your life. Becoming more and more popular these days in most of the major bookstores, Barnes & Noble, Borders, Amazon is erotica. Not the Penthouse, Playboy, Maxim,(which are all well and good for the  home library) type writing. I am talking full length, wonderful novels that make your imagination travel to places you might not have thought about. 

We all know that words can hurt. In everyday life if someone were to call me a "slut", "whore," "bitch," I truly would be picking a fight with them. However, when my Master calls me any name in the throws of passion it takes on a whole new connotation and can make my pleasure that much more. Letting your D/M or s/s know you are into word play can make the difference between a fight of epic proportions or a night of undreamed heights. It is up to the D/s couple to make this happen. 

Now you are asking yourself, how can a woman who was verbally abused get turned on by being called a whore, slut, bitch. I know the difference in who is saying those words to me. The man who abused me will never speak an ill word towards me ever again, the reason, I have made it clear to him I am none of the things he called me, and I am worthy of a man's love, devotion, and collar. The man who says those words to me while making me orgasm over and over again is fueling my fantasy. 

Try the following experiment with your partner. Find a book that appeals to you, ask your partner to tie you down gently, there is no need for harsh restraints, blindfold you, and begin to read to you from the book. This is a "No Touching" lesson for both of you until your partner finds he or she is ready to touch you or allow your to orgasm. Let your mind take you to where the words are, if I do not miss my guess, after a while your body will be ready to orgasm, not by being touched, but by allowing your brain to fuel your passion. 

Words can hurt, however words can fuel a firestorm between two people.

The Woman in The Mirror...

Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see yourself as you really are? Do you see yourself as the woman you want to be? Or do you see all of your flaws?

I am NOT perfect, about as far from perfect as one can be. I am shaped like a pear, that means my ass is larger than my boobs. However, when I look in the mirror, I see my inner self, the one that is hidden by my exterior, the one that very few have seen. My inner self houses my heart, which has been ripped out of my chest a few times by men who were callous, by women who I thought were my friends, and by strangers who made derogatory statements about me. However, it doesn't change that heart, you see my heart never sees bad in people even when it is there. I have always looked for the good, no matter what. It houses my soul which sings when I see my daughter's smile, or my Master tells me I am beautiful. My soul also is the one thing that makes me different from any other person on the planet (okay so does my DNA), it is the thing that I will be judged for at the end of my life at the pearly gates, it is also the place where my greatest triumphs & tragedies are stored. 

This past weekend I went to the calling hours of a family friend. He has four equally beautiful daughters, all successful in their own rights, all married with families. It was sad to hear the youngest one, who is in her 40's state that she hated herself. To me that is the greatest tragedy of all. She was shown love all of her life and she still doesn't see what everyone else does: her goodness, her love, her gentle nature. I wanted to shake her right there and then, however it was not the place or time. 

Loving yourself takes time and energy, and yes there are days when I look in the mirror and go, "Oh God, do I need help!" those to me are what I refer to as "bad hair days" so I put my baseball cap on and go about my day like I didn't see the crows feet, the puffy eyes, or the ice cream cone that is now forever on my hips. In order to be loved, you have to love yourself, and accept who you are in the mirror. 

A Little More About me...

I figure it is time for all of you to know more about me. In the beginning the only thing I knew about BDSM was sado-masochism, Marquis de Sade, whips, chains, handcuffs, leather, etc. What I did not know was that a D/s relationship is much more than sex, much more than the kink, much more than a collar. It is the deepest, most meaningful, most enduring relationship two people can have with one another. I knew what I wanted, however I didn't know it had a name, or what part I would play in it.  

I knew I was not cut out to be "in charge" in a relationship, but neither was I cut out to be a door mat either. I knew from the time I was very young that I was a "pleaser"; someone who wanted to please everyone around them. As I grew up I knew that when put in the hot seat I would do the "right thing" however it never seemed to be with the right man. I met my first D/M when I was in college, he was the one who knew right off what I was when I didn't know what I was. He taught me how my body worked to give me pleasure and him pleasure. Needless to say in the 80's when everyone was sleeping around, I wasn't. I had enough self respect not to just go home with anyone, and there were many guys who asked, my answer was always the same, "no". 

My second D/M was my ex-husband who was abusive to the max, and I became a shell of the woman I once was. He had made me doubt everything I did, said, worked for and loved. He made me doubt my self worth, my self esteem plummeted and I became an "abused woman" in every way a woman can be abused. I saved myself by walking out, getting divorced, and moving on. 

By the time I met my third D/M, who knew me when I was in college as "take charge, take no prisoners, take no bull shit" type woman, was very surprised to find a meek, emotionally scarred woman. He took apart every wall I put up, He showed me I was someone, I was worthy of love, respect, and a relationship. When He and I parted ways in 2007, it was hard on me, and I truly did not know if I wanted another collar at all, so I took time off from the lifestyle. While I had a profile at www.collarme.com, and a few of the chat sites, I truly wasn't sure I wanted another man's collar to grace my neck.

At collarme, I heard from a number of men, some I met for coffee, others for supper, others just became chat buddies of sorts. They are on my yahell chat list we talk, but they were not what I was seeking. If you cannot talk out of the bedroom about everything, inside the bedroom just will not work. Sure, sex is sex, however D/s is 1000 times more than one sex act, it is the melding of two into one. 

So why did I tell you my story, so you understood that I too have been hurt in the name of "BDSM", but I still come back to it because it is what I am most comfortable with when I look in the mirror every morning. What do I see? I see me, a strong, capable, woman who knows how to handle herself in the business world, but once home, sheds her alter ego to become His slave that gives her all to please Him however she can. 

His wants v. your wants

when beginning a new relationship with a D/M there is plenty of time to talk things through. if you are unsure how to approach any subject, ask to talk "openly" with Him or Her, without fear of reprisals or punishment for things you will discuss. 

everyone has limits, i still have not met a "no limits" slave. it seems there are plenty of D/M's who want this but do not realize unless a woman or man is a "doormat" they have limits as to what they will do, wont do, and participate in. some of the most common are: NO kids, animals, scat, blood, breath, fire, knives. 

while i am not new to this lifestyle, i just recently began speaking with a D/M. there are many things He and i agree upon, and others W/we have discussed at length, however there is one thing W/we both agree on that W/we are monogamous. He does not share, i have no wish to be shared (yes, was part of a poly relationship it did not end well, however i am still friends with my former Master). W/we also agree that there are times when it is okay to "agree to disagree". 

a D/M's wants should never ever become more important that your own. the most important wants should be mutually agreed upon before you ever accept a collar. 

Some definitions....

D/M = Dominant/Master  or  Domme/Mistress

D/s = Dominant/submissive

M/s = Master/slave

s/s = submissive/slave

vanilla = the everyday outside world

dungeon = while this can conjure up a scene from a movie, it is anywhere a D/M chooses it to be. it is a room that is outfitted/designated for play.

play = however/whatever a D/M and His/Her deem as such. every D/s couple has their own form of "play".

collar = the outward symbol of a girl (or guy's) ownership. this need NOT be made of leather. some D/M's give a piece of jewelry (necklace, anklet).

BDSM...what is it?

BDSM is an anagram for: Bondage, Domination/submission, Sado/Masochism

BDSM is a lifestyle that has gotten a bad rap through Hollywood (though i will say that the CBS show CSI truly researched the role of "Lady Heather" before doing anything with it), or those who think it is about tying your partner down & beating them up before sex. Sex makes up about 20% of this lifestyle. this lifestyle when both parties are in tune with one another is the DEEPEST, MOST MEANINGFUL, relationships two people can be in.

some of the tenants of BDSM:  TRUST, HONESTY, SAFE, SANE, CONSENSUAL, LOVE.

think about it, would you enter into a relationship without any of the things listed above? i wouldn't. every relationship has one dominant partner and one submissive partner. it is human nature, it doesn't matter which one is dominant, or submissive. very few D/s couples argue, fight, or go to sleep angry with one another, rarely do they divorce. most D/s couples believe in fidelity, even if they are involved in a poly amorous relationship (one Dominant/Master-Domme/Mistress with more than one submissive/slave).